I remember the exact feeling I had walking up to the hospital doors to get checked out. It was one of, this will never happen. My belly has got progressively bigger for 9 months and ill be in a bit of pain and then go home. Even though I really wanted to believe it, I truly never thought we would leave that hospital with a baby. I couldn't imagine someone being reliant upon me.
When I had the emergency c-section, I was so exhausted from pushing and being in labour for 2 days that I was delirious without the drugs! I remember being thankful that Gavin held her first, I was so worried that she would cry and that I wouldn't know what to do. Gav held her to my face so I could see her and she was beautiful and the fear hit me. After a while we were wheeled through to the recovery room and I don't remember but Gav says I asked "How do I hold her?". Everything was truly frightening. I was so scared of doing something wrong and being looked at funny. I spent the week in hospital worried about how I was breastfeeding her. She was putting on weight, but I found it really nerve-wracking to have a midwife check how I was doing it so often, even though I knew it was to provide help.
By the time we were getting to leave hospital I had become more positive. I was finding everything okay! Breastfeeding was going well and we weren't being disturbed as much anymore as we had been moved down to the NICU ward. I felt like we were really a family now. But leaving through those hospital doors, everything flooded back to me. It was almost an out of body experience. That feeling where you feel very small and the world very large. Every sound felt as though it was an echo. There was no panic button on the wall to press if something went wrong any more. It was just us and I knew that Gavin would be going back to work in only a week. I spent most of the first day at home crying. I freaked myself out so badly. Whenever someone came to visit I was on eggshells worrying about what they were thinking of me instead of enjoying the moment.
All of these feeling have gradually decreased over the last 3 months. I don't think they have completely left. The thought of her crying when out in a busy place still puts me on edge! But I know deep down that i'm doing a good job. I think the biggest thing that has helped me through this is;
1. Facing whatever it is that is scaring me. That could be going to the shop for the first time. Going for a long drive. Swimming. Eating out. Visiting a friend.
2. Having a good friend with children. I visit Jade usually once a week. She has two boys. It has changed how I feel massively and i'm so grateful to have her around as a friend.
3. Sophia is at an age now (4 months) where if she is upset a cuddle from her mum or dad calms her down.. Seeing her upset is distressing but helping to make her feel better is one of the best feelings I have experienced.
4. Staying positive! Things naturally go wrong from time to time including sleep patterns, teething, vaccinations. Knowing in your mind that it will go back to normal at some point is important and to not get bogged down in the now.
5. Natural instinct. Sometimes somehow as a parent your instinct tells you something that people around you will disagree with. Although you won't always be right, it's important to not always go by the book and go with how you feel.
I wrote this originally when soph was 3 months old. She is now 4 months and I feel so different. All of the feelings of fear have gone and I feel more comfortable than ever!
Kirsty
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